Growing Pains

Even though it’s been a while, I do remember what it’s like to be 19. I was in college, living by my own rules. I did what I wanted, when I wanted without any road blocks….until I would go home for breaks. After living for months by my rules, I was subject once again to my parents’ rules. I had to let them know where I was, what time I’d be home, and that didn’t sit well with my newly found and loved college freedom. In fact, I only spent one summer at home when I was in college. Rather than return home to rules, I stayed at school, worked and supported myself during those breaks.

Fast forward 30 years. We have a 19 year old college student who has enjoyed his away-at-college freedom. The Christmas break is the longest he’s been home since going away to school and everyone is having some growing pains, especially when it comes to navigating his desire for complete freedom, and our need to have some semblance of rules.

This game of tug-of-war doesn’t surprise me.

He’s old enough to vote and join the military, but I still worry about him. I worry about him getting into a car accident every time he leaves the house. I worry that one wrong decision will be life-impacting. I worry that his heart will get broken or that he will break mine.

It’s hard to let go.

We don’t know everything he does or every decision he makes while he’s away from us at school. We hope and pray that we have laid the foundation for good decision making and responsible behavior.

Being away at school has allowed him to manage freedom and balance what he wants to do verses what he needs to do. Coming home allows him to touch base with the values we spent 18 years instilling. He may not like being reminded that he still answers to us, but it’s part of the process and part of the growing pains of him breaking free and us letting him.

The Talk

In a few weeks, my oldest child will be a college graduate. I blinked, and four and a half years has passed. Like all parents of college graduates, we are extremely proud of him. He didn't enter college with the HOPE scholarship, but he worked hard and as soon as he was eligible, he received the HOPE and kept it through the remaining years. In addition to going to school full time, he worked, sometimes upwards of 30 plus hours per week. He has lived on his own since he was a freshman so he’s had to learn how to manage the freedom that brings. He also had to learn to manage a checking account, how to pay bills and how to get along with roommates. He’s learned a lot of the valuable lessons we hoped he would over the past years. He’s a stable, mature and hardworking young man.

Now it’s time to have The Talk.

Along with that college degree comes new financial responsibilities. By being out of school, he’s not considered a dependent anymore. Along the way, we have made him responsible for more and more of his expenses from cell phone to car insurance and car payment. Slowly and methodically, we cut the financial cord. Now, it’s time to have the initial conversation of “financial freedom from the parents.”

I know he doesn’t want to have this conversation. His disposable income will be decreased, and paying for things like rent and student loans isn’t as much fun as hitting Taco Mac and getting an advanced Brewniversity degree.

When I graduated college, I didn’t have a job. I moved into an apartment in Denver with my best friend and a deadline. My dad offered to support me for a set amount of time while I found a job. But he made it quite clear that the gravy train had an end-date, and I became a very motivated job seeker.

I know we need to have the same grace with my son as he enters the “real world.” But we need to have a plan and in order to have a plan, we need to have The Talk.

Congratulations to my son and to all the December, 2014 graduates!