Ups and Downs

As I write this blog, we just enjoyed a weekend with the Dorm Piggie. It’s always good to welcome our sons home, and I immediately fall back into “Mom” mode. I cook for them, I put gas in their cars, and I enjoy our time with them.

And when they leave, it’s never easy. I really try not to turn into a messy puddle of a mom, and so far, I’ve failed. I hate that to be the last image my son has of me. So I’m trying, and I hold onto the advice of those who precede me in this journey, “It gets easier.”

I don’t recognize this weepy me, but I know it’s part of the process, and I know it’s not permanent.

A year ago, I was not dreading the empty nest… I was looking forward to it!

We had a taste of “child-less” freedom when my oldest headed to college. And we liked it. We began to enjoy a greater freedom and the ability to be spontaneous. I was confident that this “empty nest” thing wasn’t going to be a problem. This is what we raised our children to do, after all. Leave the nest.  Become educated. Get a job. Get a life.

For many years, our life revolved around the needs of our two children, as it should. Their schedules dictated what we did after work and when we took vacation. Their tastes dictated what we ate for dinner or where we dined out. For a lot of years, it was all about them so to finally get the opportunity to be about “us” again was very appealing and highly anticipated.

There are definite pluses to having an empty nest:

• We do what we want, when we want. Ahhhh… freedom
• My house is exactly the same at the end of the day as when I left — no dishes on the counter, no clothes strewn on the bathroom floor, no dirt tracked in from muddy boots.
• I can and do cook now to only our preferences. And sometimes that means a meal of strictly vegetables!
• Our grocery bill is half, and our water bill has dropped without someone taking 2-3 showers/day. (You know who you are!)
• We can leave town for a night or a weekend and not worry about who is going to stay with whom or worse, unauthorized “get togethers” at a parent-free home. 

While good-byes continue to be hard, the times in between are actually really good! Before we had children, my husband and I had only been married for two years, and we were much different people. Without the kids around, our focus is much different, and more on us and OUR future. It’s been an adjustment, and there’s no right or wrong way to handle the ups and the downs — feel it, accept it and move forward. That was this week’s lesson. 

A Glimpse into College Life

Disclaimer:  The following blog and subsequent imagery may cause issues for those with a sensitive stomach or are prone to pronounced gagging.  Proceed at your own risk.

Four Little Dorm Piggies 

The last time we were in Statesboro, we dropped our fledgling off for college. Nearly two months later, we made a return to visit to see him in his new, natural environment.

Before we went down, I asked my son if he needed us to bring anything from home. “A steam cleaner, haha,” was the response.

Uh Oh.

Apparently, there were a “few” stains on the carpet by the couch. That Saturday morning, we packed the car with the steam cleaner, carpet shampoo, carpet stain remover, homemade macaroni and cheese and brownies; we arrived in the early afternoon.

I texted my son as we were getting close and asked if the place was clean. He said, “It was yesterday.  Not so much now.”

This is what I expected:  maybe a few dishes in the sink; maybe some crumbs on the carpet; definitely stains on the carpet, a fairly clean bathroom (after all, his MOM was coming!).

Turns out, my expectations were set WAY too high.

This is what I got:  a sticky kitchen floor, clothes and towels in piles all over the living room; a bathroom with two hairy, toothpaste ridden, black stained sinks, shorts and underwear on the floor and a frightening toilet bowl. 

His bedroom looked like the bedroom he left at home- clothes covering every inch of the bed with an unidentifiable odor. 

I think I gagged a little bit.

As shocked as I was, my husband simply asked, “What did you expect?” 

Not a hazmat site, that’s for sure.

So I did what any respectable mother would do, I did some cleaning. I tackled the hairy sink first, sprayed the spots of whatever what was on the carpet and steam cleaned. The color of the dirty water that came from the steam cleaning can best be described as, “coal.”

The rest of our visit was much more enjoyable. We went to lunch, tailgated and played corn hole, met several of his new friends and went to the football game. I only felt mildly out of place because I wasn’t wearing a blue dress and cowboy boots like 95% of the female attendees. Overall, the day brought back many good college memories for my husband and me.

Matt, Austin and Garrett at the football game

Tailgating 

The next morning, we stocked up on a few cleaning supplies at Walmart before meeting our son for lunch. I expected more of the same in regards to the dorm, but I was pleasantly surprised. Our son was actually mopping the floor when we showed up and later, we received a picture of a very clean dorm. There is hope.

With both our boys, we realize it’s a privilege to be included and invited into their new lives. We never stop missing either of them, but it gives me comfort to know they are happy and thriving in their lives away from the nest.

We look forward to our next visit, but we’re not sure if it will include a dorm visit. If it does, I will be toting rubber gloves and possibly a hazmat suit.

Mothers Don’t Own the Market

It’s been two months since our last chick flew the coup.  I joked in my last blog about how reactions to you being an empty nester varied between genders.  A lot of attention does get focused on the mother because it’s just assumed she will be an emotional mess.  That is true.  But what I suspected and later verified is that fathers also experience a profound sense of loss… but for different reasons.

When my husband finished our basement, we intended it to be an adult retreat.  We planned on hosting our friends down there and decorated it with us in mind.  What we didn’t count on was our son taking over the space we created for ourselves.  Yes, it was cooler in the summer, but it also afforded him a lot of privacy.  Rather than an adult retreat, the basement became “his” domain and always housed 1-2 friends every weekend. 

I bring up our basement because after we returned from taking our son to school, it was the basement that made me realize my husband was hurting, too.  He had to go down there for some reason, and returned upstairs more melancholy than when he left.  He confessed that being down there made him teary eyed because memories of our son were everywhere.  He missed him… terribly. 

I understood what he was feeling because when both my children left, it took me a while before I could go into their rooms.  I simply kept doors shut.

There are differences between men and women and the relationships we forge with our children.  In general terms, when children are young, men spend a lot of physical and mental time working and building their careers.  Yes, women do, too, but we also tend to be as much if not more focused on the day-to-day, minute-by-minute details of our children’s lives.  And while my husband was always a very involved father, this was the case in our home. 

What I came to learn that by the time my husband had the time to develop new, more adult relationships with his sons, they were late into high school and then off to college.  My “babies” left.  For him, his “buddies” left.  Similar but different losses.  Both profound.

My husband reaches out to our boys often to catch up with them and continues to build on the “adult” relationship he started.  They continue to reach out when they need help with a car, a handyman question or to shoot the bull about football.  Watching these relationships grow and change is one of the privileges of motherhood — almost makes cleaning up barf in the middle of the night worth it…. almost. 

I’m Leaking

Tell someone you’re an empty nester, and you get one of two reactions depending on the gender: a woman will sympathize and be there to commiserate.  A man will ask if you are enjoying the “naked room.”  Why do men think that when the kids are gone, so are the clothes?

The summer before my youngest son departed for a university four hours away was filled with turmoil.  I had an unplanned departure from a job I had held for 12 years and was in the foreign world of job hunting.  At the same time, we began a staging area in a downstairs bedroom for all the things he would need for his dorm.  Each time I added to the pile, I got just a little sadder.  I was happy for him and his new adventure, but at the same time, my heart was breaking and I would leak tears.

Why was I so sad?  I had been through this before with my oldest son.  I knew they came back.  But unlike when my oldest son left for school, I no longer had any children at home.  I had been a mother and caregiver for 22 years.  Now what?  I would always be their mother, but my role was going to change, and the unknown is scary. 

I dreaded the weekend we took him to school.  We planned on spending the weekend in Savannah, which is close to his school.  We told ourselves we were staying in case he needed anything we forgot or if he discovered he needed something.  In reality, we were simply prolonging the inevitable. 

I started the slow leak on that Friday before leaving.  I warned my husband to be prepared for “waves” of emotion.  I didn't disappoint.

The Sunday we left him, we took him and his roommate to lunch and drove back to the dorm.  Armed with a fistful of tissues, I held tightly to one of Georgia Southern’s newest students, and then left him to his new life. 

I leaked sporadically throughout the following weeks.  But every day, it got easier.  He kept his promise to be in touch, which is daily.  Empty Nesting is a journey, and if you have children, it’s inevitable.  Join me as I navigate this journey and lessons learned along the way.