Growing Pains

Even though it’s been a while, I do remember what it’s like to be 19. I was in college, living by my own rules. I did what I wanted, when I wanted without any road blocks….until I would go home for breaks. After living for months by my rules, I was subject once again to my parents’ rules. I had to let them know where I was, what time I’d be home, and that didn’t sit well with my newly found and loved college freedom. In fact, I only spent one summer at home when I was in college. Rather than return home to rules, I stayed at school, worked and supported myself during those breaks.

Fast forward 30 years. We have a 19 year old college student who has enjoyed his away-at-college freedom. The Christmas break is the longest he’s been home since going away to school and everyone is having some growing pains, especially when it comes to navigating his desire for complete freedom, and our need to have some semblance of rules.

This game of tug-of-war doesn’t surprise me.

He’s old enough to vote and join the military, but I still worry about him. I worry about him getting into a car accident every time he leaves the house. I worry that one wrong decision will be life-impacting. I worry that his heart will get broken or that he will break mine.

It’s hard to let go.

We don’t know everything he does or every decision he makes while he’s away from us at school. We hope and pray that we have laid the foundation for good decision making and responsible behavior.

Being away at school has allowed him to manage freedom and balance what he wants to do verses what he needs to do. Coming home allows him to touch base with the values we spent 18 years instilling. He may not like being reminded that he still answers to us, but it’s part of the process and part of the growing pains of him breaking free and us letting him.

The Talk

In a few weeks, my oldest child will be a college graduate. I blinked, and four and a half years has passed. Like all parents of college graduates, we are extremely proud of him. He didn't enter college with the HOPE scholarship, but he worked hard and as soon as he was eligible, he received the HOPE and kept it through the remaining years. In addition to going to school full time, he worked, sometimes upwards of 30 plus hours per week. He has lived on his own since he was a freshman so he’s had to learn how to manage the freedom that brings. He also had to learn to manage a checking account, how to pay bills and how to get along with roommates. He’s learned a lot of the valuable lessons we hoped he would over the past years. He’s a stable, mature and hardworking young man.

Now it’s time to have The Talk.

Along with that college degree comes new financial responsibilities. By being out of school, he’s not considered a dependent anymore. Along the way, we have made him responsible for more and more of his expenses from cell phone to car insurance and car payment. Slowly and methodically, we cut the financial cord. Now, it’s time to have the initial conversation of “financial freedom from the parents.”

I know he doesn’t want to have this conversation. His disposable income will be decreased, and paying for things like rent and student loans isn’t as much fun as hitting Taco Mac and getting an advanced Brewniversity degree.

When I graduated college, I didn’t have a job. I moved into an apartment in Denver with my best friend and a deadline. My dad offered to support me for a set amount of time while I found a job. But he made it quite clear that the gravy train had an end-date, and I became a very motivated job seeker.

I know we need to have the same grace with my son as he enters the “real world.” But we need to have a plan and in order to have a plan, we need to have The Talk.

Congratulations to my son and to all the December, 2014 graduates! 

Tupperware and Wine Glasses

The landscape of your home changes when children are no longer living at home. It’s quieter and cleaner. Every room that was touched by your child when he was living there is dramatically changed when he is gone.

My youngest son may be gone, but I have gained my laundry room back! No longer is it filled with piles of clothes on the floor, in the dryer or in laundry baskets. And speaking of laundry baskets, I no longer have to hunt them down because they are right where I left them!

Then there’s the kitchen. Since becoming empty nesters, our refrigerator has seen the biggest transformation. We can actually find things in it now! It’s no longer filled with gallon milk and juice containers, cheese sticks, packs of eggs and bacon.

And then there’s the dishwasher.

With children in the house, we ran that dishwasher about every other day. I swear, every glass we owned was in it, every time, not to mention every single fork and plate.

Now, it’s filled with Tupperware and wine glasses.

Tupperware because now we actually have leftovers, and wine glasses because we only have to run the dishwasher maybe twice a week. It might look like I drink a lot of wine, but it’s actually several days’ worth of glasses.

As I write this, the prodigal son is home for Thanksgiving break. The basement has been reclaimed by him and his friends; I’m missing a laundry basket, and the dishwasher is filled with everything except Tupperware and Wine Glasses. 

It’s good to have him home.

I Have a Name... And it's Not "Dude"

I am a Gen X, which means I was born between the mid 60s and early 80s. Throughout my working life, I have worked with many Gen Xers and Baby Boomers as well (the generation ahead of Gen X). I’m sure there were things about our generation that Boomers didn’t appreciate.

Now I’m of the “older generation” in the work place, and I work with….MILLENNIALS!

I'm quite familiar with Millennials.  I gave birth to two of them. But working with people my children’s age has been eye opening. Like every generation, Millennials have some deserved and not-so-deserved stereotypes: tech savvy, in constant need of praise and positive feedback, meaningful work, change and diversity valued, living at home AFTER college, etc.

There also seems to be the propensity the use of the word “dude” for male and females. I was use to my sons calling their friends “dude,” but that term was never used in reference to me… until I started working with Millennials.

The first time a 20 something year old man called me "dude," I said what every 40 something year old female should say, "I am NOT a dude."

And yes, I realized that I probably sounded like his mother. And if I was, I would have given him a swift kick.

He said, "Oh... I call everyone 'dude'"  

I guess that made it OK.

Here’s my definition of what constitutes a “dude”

1.      Male

2.     Under the age of 30

Clearly…. I am not a dude.

I have a name.  It’s not “dude.”  And if you try to respect my desire to not be referred to as “dude,” I’ll try to respect the fact that you think it’s OK to move back in with your parents after college.

Survival Tip: Plan a Trip

For my husband’s 50^th (ssshhh.. he still thinks he’s 35) birthday, I surprised him with a cruise. Even though his birthday was in April, I planned the cruise for September. Two reasons: to save enough money to pay for it and with my son away at college, we wouldn't have to worry about him left at home to his own devices. He was 18, and technically an adult. He no longer wanted to stay at friends’ houses when we left town. I got that. And when we would leave for one or even two nights to someplace close, we would let him stay home alone. But out of the country for four days? Was not ready for that. (See “ironic twist” at the end of this blog.)

It turns out that planning a trip shortly after our chick fledged was a great decision. It gave us something to look forward to and proved to be an excellent diversion as we stumbled through that first month of “empty nesting.”

The trip was our first cruise, and we had a great time. We swam with dolphins, witnessed an incredible sunset, drank a few too many mojitos and got in trouble for helping ourselves to tequila samples at the duty-free shop. The only regret: not turning off my “roaming” on my phone. Turns out, international roaming is quite expensive, and I came home to $300 in charges. Oops.

Formal Night

Being pushed by a dolphin

Splash!

Ironic Twist

My son and his friends decided to come home for the weekend when the rival high school teams were playing each other in football.  It turned out that it was the same weekend we would be out of town on our cruise. So planning to take this trip while he was at school and not home, therefore lessening the temptation to have a party, proved fruitless.

He said he didn't have a party… just four guys.  But this is what four guys did to the house

1.       Bent an inside tine of a fork

2.       Broke one of the legs of the kitchen chair

3.       Loosened the toilet from the floor

4.       Caused one blue towel to go missing from the guest bathroom

.

Halloween.... What Halloween?

Halloween 2014 was poised to be an epic one.  It fell on a Friday (no school or work the next day!) and the weather was chilly and "Halloween-esque."

This was also our first Halloween without any kids.

We have a lot of good memories from Halloween past. It was this neighborhood where both our children spent their first Halloween.  When they were young, we had neighborhood parties, we dressed in costume and took them trick or treating and like every good parent, we pilfered their candy when they went to school (Butterfingers were my drug of choice.)

 What I thought would be an epic Halloween actually was an Epic Fail.

The first sign that things were off was the lack of decorations on people's homes. Our neighborhood use to be filled with spider webs, graveyards, orange lights and blow up pumpkins. I didn't even see one carved jack-o-lantern on our street.

We are among the guilty.

We stopped decorating the house when the boys were in middle school.  We stopped carving pumpkins when my oldest left for college. Between work, after school practices and weekend sporting events, we were tapped out. Neither boy seemed to mind or notice so we continued in our Halloween apathy.

I imagine the change in our neighborhood is due to the fact a lot of us are empty nesters.  Many have grown children with families of their own.

So, this year, we pulled out the fire pit, put on our Pandora Halloween music, filled the bowl with candy... and waited.  In past years, we would rush home from work because the first trick or treaters would be knocking at 5:30, a rush around 7 p.m. and done by 8:30.  This year, I think we received our first visitor at 6:15 and our last at 7. We even called out to kids who walked by our house, "We have candy!!"

Creepy and Pathetic.

I do miss the days when Halloween was more of an "event."

Next year, we will carve a pumpkin, drag out the fire pit, fill the bowl with candy and find Halloween music.

I'm not ready to give up.... yet.

Ups and Downs

As I write this blog, we just enjoyed a weekend with the Dorm Piggie. It’s always good to welcome our sons home, and I immediately fall back into “Mom” mode. I cook for them, I put gas in their cars, and I enjoy our time with them.

And when they leave, it’s never easy. I really try not to turn into a messy puddle of a mom, and so far, I’ve failed. I hate that to be the last image my son has of me. So I’m trying, and I hold onto the advice of those who precede me in this journey, “It gets easier.”

I don’t recognize this weepy me, but I know it’s part of the process, and I know it’s not permanent.

A year ago, I was not dreading the empty nest… I was looking forward to it!

We had a taste of “child-less” freedom when my oldest headed to college. And we liked it. We began to enjoy a greater freedom and the ability to be spontaneous. I was confident that this “empty nest” thing wasn’t going to be a problem. This is what we raised our children to do, after all. Leave the nest.  Become educated. Get a job. Get a life.

For many years, our life revolved around the needs of our two children, as it should. Their schedules dictated what we did after work and when we took vacation. Their tastes dictated what we ate for dinner or where we dined out. For a lot of years, it was all about them so to finally get the opportunity to be about “us” again was very appealing and highly anticipated.

There are definite pluses to having an empty nest:

• We do what we want, when we want. Ahhhh… freedom
• My house is exactly the same at the end of the day as when I left — no dishes on the counter, no clothes strewn on the bathroom floor, no dirt tracked in from muddy boots.
• I can and do cook now to only our preferences. And sometimes that means a meal of strictly vegetables!
• Our grocery bill is half, and our water bill has dropped without someone taking 2-3 showers/day. (You know who you are!)
• We can leave town for a night or a weekend and not worry about who is going to stay with whom or worse, unauthorized “get togethers” at a parent-free home. 

While good-byes continue to be hard, the times in between are actually really good! Before we had children, my husband and I had only been married for two years, and we were much different people. Without the kids around, our focus is much different, and more on us and OUR future. It’s been an adjustment, and there’s no right or wrong way to handle the ups and the downs — feel it, accept it and move forward. That was this week’s lesson. 

A Glimpse into College Life

Disclaimer:  The following blog and subsequent imagery may cause issues for those with a sensitive stomach or are prone to pronounced gagging.  Proceed at your own risk.

Four Little Dorm Piggies 

The last time we were in Statesboro, we dropped our fledgling off for college. Nearly two months later, we made a return to visit to see him in his new, natural environment.

Before we went down, I asked my son if he needed us to bring anything from home. “A steam cleaner, haha,” was the response.

Uh Oh.

Apparently, there were a “few” stains on the carpet by the couch. That Saturday morning, we packed the car with the steam cleaner, carpet shampoo, carpet stain remover, homemade macaroni and cheese and brownies; we arrived in the early afternoon.

I texted my son as we were getting close and asked if the place was clean. He said, “It was yesterday.  Not so much now.”

This is what I expected:  maybe a few dishes in the sink; maybe some crumbs on the carpet; definitely stains on the carpet, a fairly clean bathroom (after all, his MOM was coming!).

Turns out, my expectations were set WAY too high.

This is what I got:  a sticky kitchen floor, clothes and towels in piles all over the living room; a bathroom with two hairy, toothpaste ridden, black stained sinks, shorts and underwear on the floor and a frightening toilet bowl. 

His bedroom looked like the bedroom he left at home- clothes covering every inch of the bed with an unidentifiable odor. 

I think I gagged a little bit.

As shocked as I was, my husband simply asked, “What did you expect?” 

Not a hazmat site, that’s for sure.

So I did what any respectable mother would do, I did some cleaning. I tackled the hairy sink first, sprayed the spots of whatever what was on the carpet and steam cleaned. The color of the dirty water that came from the steam cleaning can best be described as, “coal.”

The rest of our visit was much more enjoyable. We went to lunch, tailgated and played corn hole, met several of his new friends and went to the football game. I only felt mildly out of place because I wasn’t wearing a blue dress and cowboy boots like 95% of the female attendees. Overall, the day brought back many good college memories for my husband and me.

Matt, Austin and Garrett at the football game

Tailgating 

The next morning, we stocked up on a few cleaning supplies at Walmart before meeting our son for lunch. I expected more of the same in regards to the dorm, but I was pleasantly surprised. Our son was actually mopping the floor when we showed up and later, we received a picture of a very clean dorm. There is hope.

With both our boys, we realize it’s a privilege to be included and invited into their new lives. We never stop missing either of them, but it gives me comfort to know they are happy and thriving in their lives away from the nest.

We look forward to our next visit, but we’re not sure if it will include a dorm visit. If it does, I will be toting rubber gloves and possibly a hazmat suit.

Mothers Don’t Own the Market

It’s been two months since our last chick flew the coup.  I joked in my last blog about how reactions to you being an empty nester varied between genders.  A lot of attention does get focused on the mother because it’s just assumed she will be an emotional mess.  That is true.  But what I suspected and later verified is that fathers also experience a profound sense of loss… but for different reasons.

When my husband finished our basement, we intended it to be an adult retreat.  We planned on hosting our friends down there and decorated it with us in mind.  What we didn’t count on was our son taking over the space we created for ourselves.  Yes, it was cooler in the summer, but it also afforded him a lot of privacy.  Rather than an adult retreat, the basement became “his” domain and always housed 1-2 friends every weekend. 

I bring up our basement because after we returned from taking our son to school, it was the basement that made me realize my husband was hurting, too.  He had to go down there for some reason, and returned upstairs more melancholy than when he left.  He confessed that being down there made him teary eyed because memories of our son were everywhere.  He missed him… terribly. 

I understood what he was feeling because when both my children left, it took me a while before I could go into their rooms.  I simply kept doors shut.

There are differences between men and women and the relationships we forge with our children.  In general terms, when children are young, men spend a lot of physical and mental time working and building their careers.  Yes, women do, too, but we also tend to be as much if not more focused on the day-to-day, minute-by-minute details of our children’s lives.  And while my husband was always a very involved father, this was the case in our home. 

What I came to learn that by the time my husband had the time to develop new, more adult relationships with his sons, they were late into high school and then off to college.  My “babies” left.  For him, his “buddies” left.  Similar but different losses.  Both profound.

My husband reaches out to our boys often to catch up with them and continues to build on the “adult” relationship he started.  They continue to reach out when they need help with a car, a handyman question or to shoot the bull about football.  Watching these relationships grow and change is one of the privileges of motherhood — almost makes cleaning up barf in the middle of the night worth it…. almost. 

I’m Leaking

Tell someone you’re an empty nester, and you get one of two reactions depending on the gender: a woman will sympathize and be there to commiserate.  A man will ask if you are enjoying the “naked room.”  Why do men think that when the kids are gone, so are the clothes?

The summer before my youngest son departed for a university four hours away was filled with turmoil.  I had an unplanned departure from a job I had held for 12 years and was in the foreign world of job hunting.  At the same time, we began a staging area in a downstairs bedroom for all the things he would need for his dorm.  Each time I added to the pile, I got just a little sadder.  I was happy for him and his new adventure, but at the same time, my heart was breaking and I would leak tears.

Why was I so sad?  I had been through this before with my oldest son.  I knew they came back.  But unlike when my oldest son left for school, I no longer had any children at home.  I had been a mother and caregiver for 22 years.  Now what?  I would always be their mother, but my role was going to change, and the unknown is scary. 

I dreaded the weekend we took him to school.  We planned on spending the weekend in Savannah, which is close to his school.  We told ourselves we were staying in case he needed anything we forgot or if he discovered he needed something.  In reality, we were simply prolonging the inevitable. 

I started the slow leak on that Friday before leaving.  I warned my husband to be prepared for “waves” of emotion.  I didn't disappoint.

The Sunday we left him, we took him and his roommate to lunch and drove back to the dorm.  Armed with a fistful of tissues, I held tightly to one of Georgia Southern’s newest students, and then left him to his new life. 

I leaked sporadically throughout the following weeks.  But every day, it got easier.  He kept his promise to be in touch, which is daily.  Empty Nesting is a journey, and if you have children, it’s inevitable.  Join me as I navigate this journey and lessons learned along the way.